What it’s like to feel unstable…

One day I feel great, at peace and calm, completely relaxed, emotionally stable. The next day I feel as though I am sliding down a slippery slope of emotion. This is what it’s like for me to become emotionally unstable. I don’t have a breakdown – I simply can’t get control of my emotions. I don’t sleep well and end up feeling tired during the day. The smallest things make me cry. I’m irritable about almost everything. I imagine that others don’t like me. It’s not a pretty sight.

So what causes the change in my emotional state? Pretty much nothing, if I”m able to get my medications. However, that’s a big “if.” If I can get in to see my psychiatrist (that means paying cash since I’m uninsured at the moment). If I can afford to fill the prescription (that means finding a coupon). Either of these can cause me difficulty.

I haven’t seen my psychiatrist in more than six months. Having said that, I’ve been buying my prescriptions from India. But either the medication is less potent, or my prescription needs have changed. I’m confident I”m not in any danger at the moment. But I do feel that I could easily slip off the tightrope I know I’m walking.

I’ve been fortunate since my diagnosis. With a few rare exceptions, I have had access to my medications on time every month. I wonder about the other people I know who struggle with getting their medications. People who have fallen through the holes in the current healthcare program. People who need medical attention but can’t afford insurance.

I know so many who fall into this category. The numbers of people who are uninsured must be huge. I spend a part of each day thinking about and praying for protection from accidents and the like.  For myself and for others who are uninsured.

Because, one accident can cause so much distress. I fell in November, dislocating and spraining my right thumb. The trip to the Emergency Room cost over $3,000. Then there were the X-ray physician, the physician who examined me, and the tech who wrapped my thumb to immobilize it. Nearly $5,000 in all and my thumb is still not right.

It’s a terrible choice to have to make – to pay for medical insurance or home and food. Yet that’s the choice many of us are still making every month. That means people are going without basic preventive care, such as vaccinations and physicals. I know I put off my physical this year due to the cost.

The prospects of finding affordable coverage for the next year are not good. I”m hoping I’m very careful for the next 12 months until Medicare kicks in. I sure hope it’s still available when I turn 65.

Of course, stress adds to the feelings of emotional instability. Argh!






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